


his green eyes blew goodbyes

by unwinged



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Sad Ending, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Notes, what even is tagging
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-08
Updated: 2014-02-08
Packaged: 2018-01-11 15:44:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1174853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unwinged/pseuds/unwinged
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>There was a day in the middle of the second week when I entered the kitchen and expected you. I wanted to hear you singing whilst you made pancakes and I wanted to hug you from behind whilst you cooked and I just wanted you to be there. You were not. But I walked into the kitchen and Niall was sitting sadly at the table and I said "Oh hi, where's Harry?" and then I burst into tears because I forgot that you were not with me anymore. And then Niall was crying and we were hugging and can you see how broken we are without you, haz?</i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The one in which we see how everything crumbles after Harry's death in the form of Harry's suicide note and Louis' reply.</p>
            </blockquote>





	his green eyes blew goodbyes

**Author's Note:**

> wow im sorry i dont even know what this is. im gonna use the fact that i wrote it at 3am as an excuse! hope you enjoy it anyway:L
> 
> btw i dont have a beta so if you're itching to correct my horrific mistakes, let me know:)
> 
> title from Dream Brother by Jeff Buckley because it's fucking great song ok

_Lou,  
If you're reading this, you'll know that I am gone. You'll know that this is the last trace of my existence, my last words, my last goodbye. But I knew the time was coming, the time for me to write these words on this shitty piece of paper torn out of my journal and I know that once I've finished writing this, my hand will be shaking and there will be tear-stains littering the page. But people leave notes and this is mine and I'm writing to you, Lou, because you're going to be the last thing I think about before I die. _

_But this is me ending my life and I'm sorry for that, I really am. I'm sorry for giving up and I'm sorry for everything I've ever done wrong. I'm sorry if I've ever hurt you, because I never meant to make you sad._

_I understand if you're mad at me. I would be mad at me too._

_I'm so angry at myself, you know, for being so weak when you were always so strong. You were always my anchor, the one who kept me grounded. I don't know what I'm expecting death to be like but when it happens, I don't want you to give up, I don't want you to fall._

_So you need to remember me for what I'm writing and I'm writing that I love you a lot. I'm writing that you have my heart._

_Do you remember the xfactor years? Because I've been watching the video diaries back over, recently, and I've been thinking about how you used to look at me. You used to look at me with your sparkling blue eyes and you used to shoot me those little fond smiles and I used to be an absolute flushing mess of giggles 24/7. But right now I'm remembering us and I'm thinking that maybe the moment we bumped into each other in the bathroom that day when we first met, you swiped my heart right out my my chest._

_And now, as I lay here on the cold bathroom floor, I wonder if you'll ever give it back._

_I bet you're wondering why I'm doing this. I bet you don't understand. Well, I don't quite understand either, but if you asked me why, I would blame the constant hole inside of me that came with the stress of having a relationship where the pressure was just too much. I was always plagued with the knowledge that if I slipped up even the tiniest bit in public, I could ruin not only our careers, but also Zayn's and Liam's and Niall's. Tell them I said hi, by the way._

_But you know what hurt the most, Lou? It was the fact that we woke up and fell asleep next to each other everyday and we told each other we loved each other in every sentence we spoke yet we were strangers in the public eye. And whenever I wanted to lean over to kiss you, I couldn't, but she just could._

_Isn't it funny, though, the situation with Eleanor. Do you remember when we were introduced to her? Do you remember how my jealous glares and my hateful gazes soon turned into relieved smiles and thankful glances? She was our savior, to be honest, for her support and how she defended us. She saved our bacon, even if she was your poser girlfriend._

_But say hi to her for me. Tell her I said hi and tell her I said that this wasn't her fault._

_It wasn't your fault, either, it's not anyone's fault. It's mine, more than anything. It was me who became weak and it was me who let you down and if you're mad at me, I don't blame you, just forgive me sometime soon. But I've timed this right, I think, I know that I'm ready to go._

_I've taken the tablets and I'm going to write it out to the very end._

_I'm crying several tsunamis now, my tears are falling onto my shirt and I can feel them creeping through onto my skin. I can almost feel them searing through my skin and into my heart. My heart, the heart that is slowing and suddenly I'm feeling faint. My arms feel weaker and my heart is pounding so loud that I can hear it and I need to end this letter, my love, time is running out._

_Just remember that I'll be waiting in the afterlife for you when you're old and grey and when it's your time to come to me, I'll be waiting._

_I love you._

_-Harry_

One morning, Louis found the note and Louis found the body and Louis found the phone that his fingers were dialing 999 on.

He sat and he cried in the bathroom as he called the ambulance, stumbling out an address and an explanation and he stared at Harry's pale face, his beautiful eyes that were wide open, staring at Louis sadly. His green eyes blew goodbyes and Louis was numb with numb emotions and he felt like a hand had just reached into his body and pulled out his heart along with every other emotion in human nature. He wasn't ok. 

Louis turned away from Harry's lifeless body with blurry eyes and fell into the bathtub, where he threw up and sobbed into his hands until he fell unconscious. 

The next day, in the hospital once his worried family and band mates had left, he began to write a letter.

_Haz,  
You left a note. It was a very beautiful note, one that I feel like I should think of as less of a note and more of a letter. All letters deserve a reply, right? Right. So here's your reply._

_Harry, the first week I spent alone after you had gone was awful. I woke up expecting you and I fell asleep wanting you. It felt as though you had dragged a part of me with you when you left. I was empty and I'd run out of tears but I hoped that maybe if I ignored the pain in my chest you would come back. But you were not coming back, you were dead and I was sad but there was no ignoring the fact that you were gone. I was forced into reality when a funeral had been planned a week later._

_So at your funeral, I held onto your mother and your sister as they cried and I tried to be the anchor, the strong one, like you said I always was. But I'm not, is the thing, I'm not strong and I ended up on my knees in the mud, the stupid pretentious black suit ruined, and I was crying because I didn't want to let you go. Gemma pulled me up from the mud and she hugged me and we didn't speak a word, just stood and cried into each others shoulders._

_There was a day in the middle of the second week when I entered the kitchen and expected you. I wanted to hear you singing whilst you made pancakes and I wanted to hug you from behind whilst you cooked and I just wanted you to be there. You were not. But I walked into the kitchen and Niall was sitting sadly at the table and I said "Oh hi, where's Harry?" and then I burst into tears because I forgot that you were not with me anymore. And then Niall was crying and we were hugging and can you see how broken we are without you, haz?_

_I went online during week three. There were rumors and there were theories but mostly I was looking at the kind wishes and love messages from people and I can't believe we have such great fans, Haz. It's sad that they have to go through all of this, it truly is, but it's nice to have support._

_In the fourth week it was a month after your death and there was no happiness when we had a full lads night. It wasn't a lads night without you. We sat and we watched Titanic because I remember how much you loved Titanic and I cried more than I ever have whilst watching that movie because it was your movie, the one that only you ever wanted to watch. The next thing I knew, we were all crying maniacally on the couch and hugging each other like a lifeline and Liam whispered "let's imagine that Harry's here hugging us too" and I cried even harder. I feel like I've cried a lot over the last few weeks._

_Week five brought arguments and sadness and now Liam isn't speaking to me and Eleanor hasn't been seen since your funeral. But she's been texting Zayn, apparently, for updates on how I'm doing so I'm assuming that she's ok. Niall's upset because Liam and I are arguing and I'm angry because Liam won't tell me why he's ignoring me. Zayn's just fucking pissed off because he's just Zayn. But I keep thinking that we can't be fighting now, you wouldn't want us fighting._

_I see the end of the band but we can't be One Direction without you, anyway._

_Week six Liam was normal again but I still don't know what was up his ass last week and I'm beginning to wonder if in Liam's world there is such thing as a man period._

_Week seven doesn't even deserve a paragraph. I locked myself in our room all week and I didn't eat much at all._

_Week eight marked 2 months, so I stayed in our room and wallowed in my own misery and I cried into your pillow on your side of the bed. I fell asleep to your stupid smell and I fell asleep with a sadness in my heart, one that could not be described._

_During the ninth week, the boys became worried. They took me out to places and kept me under a watchful gaze but once they'd left on Wednesday night, I sat on the bathroom floor, right where you were when I found you. I was angry, I was furious at myself and I was seeing red for the first time in my life. I sat up straight, back rigged, and I dug my nails into the skin of my biceps. I bled, apparently, but I didn't notice, just let warm tears roll down my face and I knew that everything was my fault because I was the one with the fucking girlfriend and I was the one with the fucking insecurities and I hated myself for that. The worst thing was that the pain my nails had left on my skin in angry red half moon shapes made me feel like I was filling a part of my numbness with an emotion other than sad. Pain._

_Week ten, I was sad, I was just sad again and I laid in bed for a long time, biceps aching with pain that I quite enjoyed and I realized that I was never going to be the same again. I decided that pain wasn't a good emotion and that I needed to see my family again._

_I spent week eleven in Doncaster with my mum, Mark and the girls. I stayed for an entire 7 days, put a smile on my face because they didn't deserve to see my pain, and I let myself be happier. By Sunday, I was worn out and annoyed and I needed to go back to our flat in London so that I could lay in bed again and spend the three month mark sleeping away my sad. I said goodbye with the hurt still heavy in my chest and tears in my eyes but I was glad to leave, really, I was glad to be alone._

_Week twelve, I was still sad. I spent the week as promised; sleeping. This was the week when I realized that this reply to your letter was becoming more of my own note, but directed towards you because you're the center of my attention all of the time. This is my note and I don't know how long it's going to last._

_Week thirteen was when management began yapping at my ankles for me to get back into the recording studio, but they suggested that I took your lines in Midnight Memories and I cried and Liam refused to let me back into the studio until I'd had another month's break._

_Week fourteen, I dug my nails into my hips this time. I now have red half moons on my biceps and on my hips and I'm angry because I'm doing exactly what you said not to do. I'm letting myself fall. But I've already taken the jump and I can't stop now._

_Week fifteen was hectic. Well, not really. I laid on the couch this time because I'm spontaneous, and I had my 3 bestfriends around me but I didn't have you. I've got my date now, I'm going to leave everything behind on your 4 month mark, next week. I want to be with you again._

_And so, that makes this week sixteen and I'm laying on the bathroom floor just like you had. In one hand I have your letter and in the other hand I have my reply. I've got the tablets and I'm wearing your xfactor onesie because I refuse to leave 2010 but I'm not crying. I'm ready to join you, I'm ready to come for you._

_I called my Mum today, I spoke to all of the girls and I spoke to Mark and I told them all that I loved them. I spent the day being happy at the beach with the boys and I called Anne and Gemma and Robin afterwards, whom I gave my love to as well._

_And now I've taken the tablets and I'm writing this out as you had, Harry. I love you more than I love the sound of my heart slowing and my breaths turning into gasps. I've given up and I've failed you, Harry, just forgive me sometime soon._

_I love you, too._

_-Louis_

And maybe when he sees Harry again, Louis' vision is hazy, but the sight of a lopsided grin on Harry's face is warming and he's never been happier, afterlife or not.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: irelands.co.vu
> 
> let me know what you think:)


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